My Best Friend is a Turtle

What do you say when you are a thirty two year old man and somebody asks what you and your mates did on the weekend if your best friend is a turtle? Do you tell them that you went to the aquarium to visit all of his sea creature mates? Or that his name, not his nickname, is Squirtle. And that you’ve trained him to use bubblebeam and bite. Well technically you didn’t train him he just does those things anyway, but he can still do bite on command if you hold food out for him.

I think you don’t tell anybody those things and you just lie. You tell people that you had a relaxing weekend at home. Because for some reason it’s perfectly fine to have friends who are complete assholes but it isn’t okay for your best friend to be a turtle.

Squirtle has never let me down or betrayed my trust, unlike every single person I’ve ever met. Yet I’m the crazy one for wanting to spend more time with him than another human being.

Now to be fair and honest it’s not like I’m some crazy nearly middle aged man who only recently came into possession of his best friend. Squirtle and I have been together for the last three years. A single guy in his twenties with a turtle is also not such a bad thing, but magically turning thirty makes everything a really big deal. And of course my mother keeps asking all of her important questions.

Why don’t you have a nice girlfriend? I’m not going to be around forever when are you going to get married and give me some grandbabies? Why are you playing dress ups with a turtle instead of going out with those nice young people you work with?

Its really only the last one that bothers me because she knows how intolerable people are. Being an insufferable bitch herself.

Anyway I got a bit sidetracked. Hi my name is Stuart and I’m here because my best friend is a turtle.


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